Becoming a parent is a great shared experience for any couple. In fact many couples assume that the transition to parenthood is very similar for men and women. In fact, there are a few key differences that can make it a very different experience. It is important that both partners are aware of these differences so that they can appreciate their partner’s point of view. Below are two common areas of difference between mens and womens experience in the transition to parenthood
1. Bonding with the unborn baby
It seems like a no-brainer that both parents would have a strong bond to their unborn child. However, for many men this bond takes a lot longer to develop that they imagine. This can leave them feeling anxious that somehow they are not going to be a good parent or even sometimes questioning whether they will truly love their child. Women bond with their unborn child on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. They can feel the baby as a part of them, they imagine the baby growing inside and wonder about the person that they will become. Men do not have the same physical connection to the unborn baby. They can see the bump but it is not a part of them. They are bonding with an idea of what the baby will be like when it is born and grows. This can be distressing to some men as they see that their partner is more fully engaged than they are.
For Dads, I suggest that you don’t get too anxious and think that you are abnormal. Give yourself time and focus on what it will be like holding your child, seeing the first smile, watching first steps, hearing your bub say ‘Dad’ for the first time. This sort of visioning exercise can help you to get in touch with what it will feel like being a new Dad. For Mums, it is important to understand that men have a different experience in the transition to parenthood and to give him time to engage more fully.
2. Identity changes
For Mums who worked outside the home before having a baby there is a huge identity shift in becoming a Mum for the first time. Work is often a large part of out identity and when you become a Mum it is sometimes difficult when you are away from that world. There is often a sense of not being a unique individual anymore and feeling like a feeding machine.
Dads tend to find less of an impact in this area as they often go back to work after a week or two of parental leave. For Dads it is important to realise that these identity changes can be significant and distressing for new Mums. It is important to show empathy and give her time to get used to the new situation.
By Peter Denman
Copyright Aspire Consulting 2008
For more information or if you would like to reproduce this material please contact Peter Denman aspireconsulting@bigpond.com
http://www.learnerdad.com.au/
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Discipline - when your toddler has a meltdown
It was Easter Sunday and I was in church with my wife and son. I took him down to the front for the kids story time and all of the kids were sitting there listening, except for mine who was screaming about wanting to be with his mum. The talk finishes and it is time to take the kids out to their program. I pick him up and he decides to scream a bit louder and I am trying to hold my nerve and stay calm. Then he starts pounding my face with lefts and rights and I am now getting cranky as other parents and kids are walking by watching a 33 year old man getting beat up by a 2 and a half year old. I took him into a quiet corner and read him the riot act about not hitting Daddy and being a good boy. This did no good as he was far too tired to care, he just wanted the comfort of Mummy. I offered him the chance to say sorry, which he declined so I thought to myself 'screw this, I am taking you home you little so and so'. I loaded him into the car took him home, gave him another chance to say sorry which he again refused. I sent him to his room and he promptly fell aspleep while I sat down and tried to work out what had gone wrong. What had supposed to be a family trip to church turned out to be WW3 with me having taken 10 of my sons best shots to the head.
Once he woke up, I had some stern words with him and he understood what he had done wrong and apologised. I went back an picked up my wife and we had a discussion about how to proceed. My son has been going to her for comfort lately and we decieded that she needed to come down hard on him so that he knew that he had done a very bad thing. His behaviour has shown significant improvement since then.
Key learnings from this distater;
1. Don't worry about feeling embarrassed if your kid has a meltdown in public, stick to your guns and deal with the issue.
2. Don't discipline out of anger. I would have loved to have given my son a smack on the backside but it would have been to appease my anger rather than to correct his behaviour.
3. Don't make a threat that you are not prepared to carry out.
4. Make sure that both parents are unfied in the course of action to take. Stick to the plan.
4. It is difficult to block punches if you are holding a toddler.
Positives that came out of the event.
1. My son has a handy left/right combination.
2. I learnt a bit about disciplining a toddler having a public meltdown.
By Peter Denman Copyright Aspire Consulting 2008 For more information or if you would like to reproduce this material please contact Peter Denman aspireconsulting@bigpond.com http://www.learnerdad.com.au/
Once he woke up, I had some stern words with him and he understood what he had done wrong and apologised. I went back an picked up my wife and we had a discussion about how to proceed. My son has been going to her for comfort lately and we decieded that she needed to come down hard on him so that he knew that he had done a very bad thing. His behaviour has shown significant improvement since then.
Key learnings from this distater;
1. Don't worry about feeling embarrassed if your kid has a meltdown in public, stick to your guns and deal with the issue.
2. Don't discipline out of anger. I would have loved to have given my son a smack on the backside but it would have been to appease my anger rather than to correct his behaviour.
3. Don't make a threat that you are not prepared to carry out.
4. Make sure that both parents are unfied in the course of action to take. Stick to the plan.
4. It is difficult to block punches if you are holding a toddler.
Positives that came out of the event.
1. My son has a handy left/right combination.
2. I learnt a bit about disciplining a toddler having a public meltdown.
By Peter Denman Copyright Aspire Consulting 2008 For more information or if you would like to reproduce this material please contact Peter Denman aspireconsulting@bigpond.com http://www.learnerdad.com.au/
Friday, March 21, 2008
Top 3 Tips for New Dads
Researchers over the years have demonstrated that the birth of the first child is often the most difficult transition that a couple will face in their relationship. The following are 3 tips for new Dads to help your partner in the transition to parenthood.
1. Do your share at home
One of the most common problems for new parents occurs when they make assumptions about who does what when. In most cases prior to the birth both partners worked outside the home. The relationship was modern and egalitarian with both sharing the load in terms of earning the bread and maintaining the home. Then the baby is born and Mum is at home with the new baby whilst Dad goes back to work. Then something amazing happens. I call it the Fabulous Fifty's Flashback. Our new Dad suddenly assumes that the home is the wife's domain whist his role is to be the breadwinner. This metamorphosis is almost instantaneous and often very damaging. The new Dad assumes that his wife will have the house clean, baby cared for, and dinner on the table when he gets home just like a 50's TV show. Making this assumption is a sure fire way to get yourself in hot water. Looking after a new baby is a difficult task and much more time consuming that you would imagine (until you have done it yourself). New Dads can do themselves a big favour by maintaining their share of the housework and baby care. It's not easy to come home from a long day at work and do housework or look after the bub but you will find that it will help your relationship no end.
2. Positive Reinforcement
Having a baby is a very challenging time for new Mums and Dads. One area in which a new Dad can be a huge help to his partner is by using consistent positive reinforcement. The majority of new Mums will experience baby blues, which are characterised by tears, feeling down and uncertainty. These feelings are usually temporary but they highlight the emotional changes and vulnerability that many new Mums experience. Consistent words of encouragement, reinforcing the great job that she is doing and how much you appreciate her is a great way to support a new Mum. This is especially important as she is learning new skills such as breastfeeding and settling the baby. This can be a really difficult experience for some new Mums as there are huge expectations that it should work perfectly first time (followed by feelings of guilt when it doesn't work perfectly the first time). It may seem harmless to make the odd smart comment but you need to understand the impact that this can have on someone who is feeling vulnerable. By focusing on positive reinforcement it reassures your partner that you understand what she is going through and care enough to support her.
3. ‘Me' time
As a new parent you soon learn the value of time. You now have so much more to do with no extra time to do it. An important tip for new Dads is to help their partner to get some Me time. Remember, a new Mum is tied to the bub at regular intervals for feeding. There is no day off, so helping her to have some time alone is vital for her to recharge the batteries. Another tip is not to make judgments on how she spends that time. She may just need to sit quietly for an hour and read. Let her decide what she needs. It is also important for new Dads to have Me time. The key is to make sure that you plan and agree the time that you will be out and make sure that it is fair and balanced.
By Peter Denman
Copyright Aspire Consulting 2008
For more information or if you would like to reproduce this material please contact Peter Denman aspireconsulting@bigpond.com
http://www.learnerdad.com.au/
1. Do your share at home
One of the most common problems for new parents occurs when they make assumptions about who does what when. In most cases prior to the birth both partners worked outside the home. The relationship was modern and egalitarian with both sharing the load in terms of earning the bread and maintaining the home. Then the baby is born and Mum is at home with the new baby whilst Dad goes back to work. Then something amazing happens. I call it the Fabulous Fifty's Flashback. Our new Dad suddenly assumes that the home is the wife's domain whist his role is to be the breadwinner. This metamorphosis is almost instantaneous and often very damaging. The new Dad assumes that his wife will have the house clean, baby cared for, and dinner on the table when he gets home just like a 50's TV show. Making this assumption is a sure fire way to get yourself in hot water. Looking after a new baby is a difficult task and much more time consuming that you would imagine (until you have done it yourself). New Dads can do themselves a big favour by maintaining their share of the housework and baby care. It's not easy to come home from a long day at work and do housework or look after the bub but you will find that it will help your relationship no end.
2. Positive Reinforcement
Having a baby is a very challenging time for new Mums and Dads. One area in which a new Dad can be a huge help to his partner is by using consistent positive reinforcement. The majority of new Mums will experience baby blues, which are characterised by tears, feeling down and uncertainty. These feelings are usually temporary but they highlight the emotional changes and vulnerability that many new Mums experience. Consistent words of encouragement, reinforcing the great job that she is doing and how much you appreciate her is a great way to support a new Mum. This is especially important as she is learning new skills such as breastfeeding and settling the baby. This can be a really difficult experience for some new Mums as there are huge expectations that it should work perfectly first time (followed by feelings of guilt when it doesn't work perfectly the first time). It may seem harmless to make the odd smart comment but you need to understand the impact that this can have on someone who is feeling vulnerable. By focusing on positive reinforcement it reassures your partner that you understand what she is going through and care enough to support her.
3. ‘Me' time
As a new parent you soon learn the value of time. You now have so much more to do with no extra time to do it. An important tip for new Dads is to help their partner to get some Me time. Remember, a new Mum is tied to the bub at regular intervals for feeding. There is no day off, so helping her to have some time alone is vital for her to recharge the batteries. Another tip is not to make judgments on how she spends that time. She may just need to sit quietly for an hour and read. Let her decide what she needs. It is also important for new Dads to have Me time. The key is to make sure that you plan and agree the time that you will be out and make sure that it is fair and balanced.
By Peter Denman
Copyright Aspire Consulting 2008
For more information or if you would like to reproduce this material please contact Peter Denman aspireconsulting@bigpond.com
http://www.learnerdad.com.au/
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